14-Apr-2003
"Would you like freedom fries with that?"
Now that the trend of eliminating the word "French" from restaurant menus has spread as far as Washington (where three House cafeterias now serve "freedom fries" and "freedom toast"), it’s only a matter of time before we see the demise of all things French. To ease the rapid transition to a new French-free vocabulary, you’ll find a few updated word choices below.
The French — A subject to be avoided in polite conversation. When necessary to refer to those from the country of France, the official term, "traitorous peace-loving baguette-eaters," may be used.
French-cut bikini — This now will be called "the kind of bikini with a high thigh-cut usually fitted around the hips and with limited buttock covering." Although cumbersome, the bigger problem will be when House members actually begin wearing them.
Frenchy from Grease — Changing her name to "Freedomy" in all versions of the film and stage play may seem a bit excessive, but what’s a little censorship among friends?
French cuff — Although some may wish to wear "Freedom cuffs" with their tuxedos, in general, all French fashion is to be discouraged. Instead, please revert immediately to American-style clothing choices. Suggestions include anything made of flannel or polyester.
French doors — "Freedom doors" is acceptable throughout most of the country. However, guests to the White House should be informed that that the President is in the habit of prefacing anything in his home with the word "freedom." (For example, it wouldn’t be uncommon to hear him talk of his "freedom desk," his "freedom pencil cup" or his "freedom of information act souvenir coaster.") Since all doors in the White House are normally referred to as "freedom doors," the President now calls the French doors "really big windows you can walk out of." (An additional note for White House visitors: the accepted pronunciation of the word "nuclear" is "nuc-you-lur.")
French-cut green beans — Forget "freedom beans" — eliminate this food altogether! You will never find another excuse this good to get out of eating your green vegetables.
French tickler/kissing — "French tickler" is still acceptable, as is "French kissing." After all, anything dirty should be attributed to the French. Also acceptable: "Whore kissing" and "devil kissing."
French horn — As soon as high school band directors around the country get in the habit of referring to this as a "freedom horn," we predict a rapid increase in the number of first-chair musicians named Jim Bob and Bubba.
French dressing — Not much of an issue since no one has ever ordered it anyway.
Wendy Dale is the author of Avoiding Prison and Other Noble Vacation Goals: Adventures in Love and Danger, which will be published in May 2003 by Crown (Random House). For more information, visit www.wendydale.com.
